Thursday, May 6, 2010

Dodging a Bullet- Airplane style

I love my cell phone. Craig would disagree because I NEVER answer it and rarely seem to actually have it near me but I do love it. I love the convenience and I love that I can keep him updated when I'm travelling so he knows EXACTLY when to pick me up (those stupid online travel updates aren't always correct)

While I love cell phones sometimes I really wish no one else had them. I totally get that the premise that "the plane will fall from the sky if someone has their cell phone on when the doors are shut and the plane is pulling out" is in fact bogus, I just think it is common decency to TURN THE FUCKER OFF while you are trapped inside a tin can with other passengers who REALLY don't want to hear you fight with your boyfriend as we are about to take off.

Flight out of Denver to Memphis (home of the uber-redneck apparently)
Cast: Yours truly, Beefy tattooed university professor (so wouldn't have called that one), Nerdy university professor, white trash ho.
Setting: Seats 16 A and B and Seat 17 A and B.

Beefy is already seated in 17B. Ho walks down the aisle in front of Yours Truly and sits next to Beefy. She is talking on the phone. Loudly.

I shove my carry on in the bin above 16B and take my seat. Nerdy walks down the aisle and looks at his ticket and says quietly. "My seat is 17 but I guess I can just take 16A" So I get up to allow Nerdy to sit next to me. He weighs about 75 pounds and I'll all about not being shoved against total strangers so I was cool. The plane is filling up and the flight attendant is reminding everyone to shut off their phones. Ho is still on the phone. Her conversation is something like this:

"I love you.....I love you....I said I love you...Is that all you are going to say? I said I love you and that is what you say?....That is hateful...why are you sending me these hateful texts?.....I'm about to fly in the air and could die in minutes and you can't say you love me?....Well then go fuck yourself you miserable bastard.....I love you....I love you..."

At which points I am praying like this: "Dear Jesus, my kids love me. Please don't kill me because I have a ho sitting behind me and she wants to teach her miserable whatever a lesson...Amen"

Cell phone clicked shut. Sob. Sob. Sob. Ho calls her daughter(?) to tell her to go get the car from the parking lot and not to let miserable whatever anywhere near the car. Please note that at this point the plane is taxiing to the runway. She is still on her phone. I am praying like this:

"Dear Jesus, thank you for having the ho sit next to Beefy and not me. Amen."

Sob. Sob. Sob.

So I'm trying to read my book (shocker i know) and hear Ho proceed to tell Beefy her life story. And about how nice it is to be married for over 21 years. I am not kidding. And that there is a comfort in knowing someone is there for you. I am not kidding. But it isn't that great because she has had a boyfriend for like 3 years now, but she just broke up with him just then because of the hateful emails he was sending (which she proceeds to read to the whole plane because her voice FREAKING CARRIES). I am not kidding. I wish I were.

So I lean over to Nerdy and quietly say; "Thank you so much for sitting here"

At which he says, "Yeah, you really dodged a bullet there."


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